Kenneth Barish, Ph.D., Clinical Professor of Psychology at Weill Cornell Medicine, says the decline of extended family involvement has helped fuel what the U.S. Surgeon General has described as a continuing crisis in child and adolescent mental health.
“We did not evolve to raise children with as little extended family and community support as most American parents have now,” says Dr. Barish, a Fellow of the American Psychological Association. “Children need grandparents, and they always have.”
In his new book, The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting, Dr. Barish draws on 40 years of clinical experience, as well as findings from neuroscience, child development studies, and educational programs, to argue that grandparents can play a meaningful role in helping families navigate today’s parenting challenges.
Why Purpose Matters for Children’s Well-Being
According to Dr. Barish, grandparents can help counter a cultural trend that has increasingly emphasized individual achievement over community and connection.
“Over several decades, America has increasingly become a society of I, not We. In many families and communities, preoccupation with individual achievement has eroded the values of kindness and caring in the lives of our children,” he explains.
Research has linked intense achievement pressure to elevated rates of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse, particularly in affluent communities. Dr. Barish argues that children need a stronger sense of purpose that extends beyond personal accomplishments.
“Individual achievement alone is a fragile source of motivation and effort, with a high cost in anxiety and stress,” Dr. Barish writes. “Helping others promotes a greater balance in children’s emotional lives.”
Evidence reviewed by psychologist Jane Piliavin found that helping others is associated with higher self-esteem, lower rates of depression, reduced school dropout rates, improved immune function, and even longer life expectancy.
To encourage these benefits, Dr. Barish recommends volunteering as a family and regularly talking with children, beginning at a young age, about kindness, empathy, and understanding other people’s feelings and needs.
He explains: “These conversations strengthen a child’s sense of meaning and purpose. They are just as important as making sure kids have done their homework and correcting their mistakes, maybe more.”
How Grandparents Support Children’s Mental Health
Dr. Barish says grandparents offer more than practical support for parents. They also provide what he describes as ‘molecules of emotional health’, small but meaningful moments of encouragement, attention, and understanding that help strengthen children’s ’emotional immune systems’.
“A child’s confident expectation that someone will listen and understand is the best protection against the emotional pathogens they will experience throughout their childhood. “More than anything else, children need someone in their life who listens, who helps them feel less alone, and who teaches them that problems can be solved, relationships can be repaired, and bad feelings do not last forever,” Dr. Barish explains.
He also highlights the importance of play, shared enjoyment, and showing genuine enthusiasm for children’s interests and goals. These positive interactions can help build emotional resilience and strengthen family relationships.
The Hidden Harm of Excessive Criticism
One of the most common parenting challenges Dr. Barish encounters is not too much praise, but too much criticism.
In his clinical work, he has found that well-intentioned family members often underestimate the negative effects of frequent criticism.
“The most common problem I see in my work with families is not too much praise, but too much criticism,” Dr. Barish states.
“Criticism does not motivate children to work harder. Instead, frequent criticism breeds resentment and defiance, and undermines children’s initiative and effort.”
At the same time, he notes that not all praise is equally beneficial. Drawing on Carol Dweck’s concept of a “growth mindset,” he encourages adults to focus praise on effort and learning rather than innate ability.
“Praise effort, not intelligence or talent. Praise learning, not grades.”
Building Confidence Through Conversation
Dr. Barish acknowledges that raising children often involves managing difficult behavior. In his book, he outlines 21 principles designed to encourage cooperation, based on both scientific research and decades of clinical experience.
Among his recommendations are involving children in collaborative problem solving and giving them opportunities to ‘reset’, an approach he believes works better than punishment.
Ultimately, Dr. Barish argues that helping children thrive depends less on teaching specific skills and more on fostering emotional strength, confidence, and meaningful relationships.
Dr. Barish explains: “Helping our children and grandchildren succeed in life is less about teaching skills and more about having conversations; less about earning rewards and more about learning to cope with painful feelings; less about clearing a path to success and more about strengthening an inner feeling of confidence and pride. Our children will then work harder, bounce back more quickly, show more caring and kindness toward others, and pursue interests with greater enthusiasm, commitment, and sense of purpose.”